What a Rubik’s Cube Taught Me About Ego
This is a vision I had many years ago working with ayahuasca. This was a very profound experience as it was unnerving. The impact of this vision altered ways in how I walk in my world. I find that what I learned in this journey has been an anchor point in my allowance of spirit to fully work through me. It’s a desired state that is both powerful as it is mystical. This journey helps me to rethink the stories that I’ve created about the “who” and “what” I am.
In this journey I saw my identities in the shape of a Rubik Cube. A Rubik’s Cube is a game with a multi-dimensional square, each side, when the puzzle is successfully put together is one solid color. When the cube is unaltered the colored squares are all random. All the compartments of who I am were represented in each cube that created the overall Rubik’s Cube. Each tiny square in my vision represented some aspect of who I am. One square was my professional identity, the next square represented my role as father, the next husband, the next square male, gay, nice guy, activist etc. Aspects of myself were represented in each tiny square and the completion of the Rubik was my overall identity of ME. Each square represented a rule or identity that I occupy in this existence. As I examined each square, I became conscious of how each square represented aspects of that role and the story I attached to those roles, the values I placed on them and my sense of connectedness to each. For instance, I am a social worker, when I think of social workers, its often my experience that social workers tend to be at the lower end of the hierarchy of mental health professionals. Social Workers tend to show up at the lower end of that hierarchy under such professions such as psychiatry, psychology, marriage, and family counselors etc. Other perspectives I hold of Social Workers is we tend to be the nitty-gritty hard workers of social services; Social Workers tend to get paid much less than other helping professionals. These are all stories and constructs associated with social work that are built around stereotypes, public persona, caricatures and at some level I identified with these belief systems. I happen to love being a social worker and where I have shown up in my professional life. I see social workers as those who help people, you become critical in other people’s lives, who are often seen as a hero, helper, guru etc. the point of all these examples is to point out the stories and constructs that we create around identity. In this vision I was deeply appreciating how I have connected to my role as social worker. Other identities and roles came up such as being a gay man. As I consider my gayness, I recall my history of having been in the closet, the challenges of coming out of that closet, the social and political discourse in relationship to sexual orientation and then my relationship with my identity as a gay man and whether I see that as a positive, negative, or even spiritual identity. In my vision each identity was pulled out for me to examine, and I began to have an intimate relationship with each one of these identities. I found myself reflecting on the fondness and intimacy of these roles, at times feeling deep pride for the way I’ve nurtured these roles, grown into them, defined them and lived them.
Then something unexpected happened and Mother Ayahuasca very carefully took the role from me, and that role, that identity window, went into oblivion. It was as if the mother allowed me to see the role, the progress, the accountability for what I have done with these roles and then quietly and with no fanfare dismissed it from the narrative of who I am. It would disintegrate and be gone, and I found myself grasping to hold on to it. I loved these parts of who I was and reluctant to let these identities go, but the mother had other plans and away the parts went. Each cube, each role, each identity dissolved after my examination. As I became intimately acquainted with the role of social worker, as my fondest and appreciation of that role in my life became an intimate connection, it became no more. A void was created as this piece moved on. I remember as that identity or role was lifted from me a sense of grieving and loss came over me as I had worked so hard for that identity. Why would you take that away? My gayness…. gone? Why would you take that? Being a father, being a husband…, every identity was lifted from me with my energetic protest and angst.
What I found is as each identity was lifted from me, I became aware of how my attachment to that role, my attachment to that identity, was in fact my ego (my story, belief system, etc.). My attachment to what I thought was real or true was in fact my ego and my attachments often kept me restricted to an earthly construct of possibility and not a Spiritual or Other Worldly version of that potential. I habitually took my cues from society and not spirit. I was assessing my value and the outcomes of my life in relationship to what I did as opposed to my ultimate essence and being. When all the identities were lifted from me and the Rubik cube became no more, I had a very deep sensation of Spirit, of a vibrational frequency in which so much more was possible, and it didn’t involve any of those attachments but a liberation from those tightly held beliefs. Now, we all have to live in the muggle world, but do we have to be addicted to the constructs of others?
My connection to spirit was that I had to become spirit, essence, and a vibrational source. I became a being of potential. Despite my protest, I found that when I was able to connect with that liberation of these attachments, I became the frequency for calling in and embracing the power of manifestation. I became like the hallow bone in which spirit can move and create magic.
So often we are trapped by other’s stories or expectations for our lives. Collectively we call tragedy when there could be opportunity. We grasp for the validations, certificates, degrees, and social validations of being good enough. Everyone wants to be expert!
Imagine finding your authentic voice and giving freedom to that voice.
Imagine that in our meditations and prayers we suspend all sense of ego and identity and become one with spirit, with nature, with creation in such a way that we draw down that power and induce peace, love, connectedness, and communion with all that is.
Imagine if we expanded our stories beyond the ordinary of only what our minds conceive and tap into the ultimate perspectives and potential of Spirit.
I invite you to explore your stories and see what your heart and spirit shows you.